


the truth behind the lies

by sweetdustx



Category: H.O.T. (Band), SECHSKIES (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 17:46:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17309045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetdustx/pseuds/sweetdustx
Summary: tony just needs to tell the truth, maybe this time he will.





	the truth behind the lies

“Just tell them the truth, Tony.” His manager says after a heavy sigh, he has been stuck to his phone the entire day and Seungho knows he is stressed out. He wants to say ‘sorry’ but he has said it so many times today that he feels like the word has lost its meaning.

Seungho sighs and counts to ten, he is nervous and his hands have been shaking since he arrived to the place. He breathes in and out, he tries to follow the steps he saw once about calming oneself but they don’t seem to work out at the moment.

_Tell the truth._

He has seen, read and heard that comment so many times today that he has lost count. So many people repeating the same words over and over, asking him to take off the mask he has been wearing for years. They all want him to unveil and reveal everything, as if it was something that mattered to most of them.

It isn’t.

To them it won’t matter in no more than two months. After this they all would go back to their lives and keep going calmly about their days. But he won’t.

His manager gives him a signal to get ready and the tremors in his hands get worse, and even his legs feel shaky and weak. He closes his eyes and tries to go to his safe place, a place hidden from everyone, somewhere he only knows.

“They are ready for you, Seungho.” His manager pats him in the back, maybe as a sign of reassurance. “Don’t be nervous and remember what we told you; they already know, they just want a confirmation. Tell the truth.”

Seungho stands up from the chair he was sitting in, he notices the stares from the staff. All the people in the room are focusing on him and he hates it, he wants to yell and rage and scream but that will make things worse so he pushes it all down and opens the door of the small room they used as a dressing room.

There’s an assistant outside already waiting for him.

“You only got twenty minutes, the order of the questions is already arranged so you just need to answer. Please remember that all of this will be recorded so be mindful of what you say.”

Seungho nods and follows the guy towards the conference room where reporters will be waiting for him.

When they arrive Seungho feels his stomach drop. This is it. There is no turning back. He breathes for the last time and steps up in the little stage they built for this interview only. There’s a table and a single chair. It feels like a hearing, he feels uncomfortable already.

He sits down in the chair, the reporters don’t waste any time and begin to take their photos. Clicks and flashes flood the room. He tries to keep a steady face, he doesn’t want to give away any of the feelings he pushed down before entering the room.

“Tony-ssi, this is Kim Juhyeon from JTBC news. My question is, is that really you in those photos?”

_Tell the truth_

“Yes. That is me.”

“And is Kim Jaeduck-ssi the other man?”

_Tell the truth._

“Yes, that other man is Kim Jaeduck.”

“Tony-ssi, this is Lee Jonghun from Entertainment weekly. Those pictures are really compromising, they lead to many assumptions and rumors. It’s been said that you two are a couple, do you mind to confirm or deny such things?”

_Tell the truth._

“Yes, we are a couple. We’ve been together for seven years.”

“Tony-ssi, would you mind giving us a clear statement of this? Your fans and the public want to know the truth.”

_Tell the truth._

Seungho sighs.

-

Honestly speaking, the entire story is full of lies and truths.

Maybe he needs to start from the very beginning.

When Seungho was five his sister told him a story about a boy who lied all the time, he would always deceive and cheat even to his closest friends, so one day the kid got into trouble and he tried to ask everybody for help but nobody believed the words he was saying, so the kid ended up in a big mess all because he kept lying to everybody.

Since then he decided to tell the truth no matter what.

Little did he know that that would also bring him trouble.

When he was six he told his sister she was gaining weight which made her cry and not eat in a week. When he was seven he told his mother that her new haircut wasn’t pretty and when he was nine he told his teacher that her dress was ugly and how she should buy a new one.

That last one ended up with a punishment and his mother giving him a talk.

“Seungho,” she said “you don’t have to be so straightforward. You are hurting others.”

“But mom you said I always have to be honest and never lie.”

His mother smiled softly and brushed his hair with her hands. “Son, you can lie sometimes. You can always tell white lies.”

“What are those?”

“Well, they are lies that won’t hurt anybody. It is something that makes people feel better.”

“But we shouldn’t lie.” He pouted.

“Sometimes you have to lie so your words won’t hurt others.”

So that day Seungho understood. Maybe he could lie, in some occasions to certain people.

He didn’t want to hurt others, so he listened to his mother’s advice. He began to tell little white lies to those who needed them.

And he also began to notice whenever someone told him a white lie.

He noticed it when his mom told him “I’m okay” while he was about to board the plane that would take him to the US, his mother’s eyes were red and filled with tears.  And he saw through the words, he saw the truth in her eyes.  

He saw it when his father would tell him “It’s alright.” Every time he came back from work before going straight to the kitchen and pulling out a beer from the fridge.

He felt the truth slip out in the form of tears when he chokingly told his father “I am leaving but I’ll be back for school” before going to Korea.

Then he began to lie out of necessity.

_Don’t tell the truth, Tony._

If they ask don’t tell them you are in a relationship. If you are tired don’t let it show even if you are about to collapse from exhaustion, just smile and endure it. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t like the song, just answer that it’s your favorite so far. 

_Just lie._

And he did. He lied.

It was easier than telling the truth, he found out. He’d rather lie than say the wrong thing and get criticized and hated.

So kept lying. He put on a mask and never took it off.

It was only years later that he regretted it. He began to feel off, every time he looked at the mirror he saw it in his reflections eyes, he could see them.

The lies.

And the darkness.

He didn’t want to see them anymore, he needed to get away from all of that, so he decided to leave for a while.  He needed to enlist soon anyways, so he did it.

He went to the army and that’s when everything changed.

Meeting Jaeduck was a blessing, at least that’s how he sees it. Many people would say otherwise, but Seungho is pretty sure that he wouldn’t be here without Jaeduck.

With him Seungho didn’t feel like lying, he was one hundred percent honest and that was a breath of fresh air. He had spent half of his life lying.

Saying he wasn’t tired when he was.

Putting up a smile on his face when he felt like dying.

And with Jaeduck he didn’t have to pretend, he didn’t have to act or lie. And to him that was everything he needed. At the time it felt as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

So he decided to keep Jaeduck close to him.

And, in all honesty, he can’t really recall the exact time when he fell in love with Jaeduck. He thinks it happened gradually. It wasn’t there when they first met or when they slept together in the army or when they would clean the barracks by themselves. He believes that it was all of those moments that made him fall in love with the younger.

He found himself being scared when he finally figured it out. Those feelings were problematic to him. He couldn’t be in love with his male friend.

He tried to push it all down, to the depths of him. He tried to stop loving Jaeduck, he really did, but the younger made it impossible. And he knows that deep down he really didn’t want to stop.

And so it happened that one day, Seungho couldn’t stand it anymore and he finally kissed him.

It wasn’t the best kiss though.

It happened when Seungho had invited Jaeduck to drink with him at his house. Jaeduck had agreed and they had drunk a total of three bottles of soju, which meant that they were feeling tipsy already. 

Seungho is one hundred percent sure that at the time it seemed like a good idea, the best even. That night Jaeduck had looked so pretty, his eyes were half closed and his hair was messy. He was swaying to the background music Seungho had put on, and the moonlight was perfectly shining on him. It was a vision to Seungho.

So he grabbed Jaeduck’s hand which made the younger turn to him, he was looking at him with dark eyes and a slightly confused expression.

Seungho got closer and closer and then, finally, their lips shyly locked. They were hesitant at first, both of them. And he doesn’t know if it was the alcohol or the fact that they were in need of contact or the fact that Jaeduck had looked incredibly beautiful that night but they kept going, they kept getting braver. Seungho grabbed the younger’s waist and deepened the kiss, Jaeduck let him and got even closer to the point that he was sitting in Seungho’s lap. Jaeduck rocked his hips and created friction between them, Seungho moaned against his lips.

And then,

Nothing.

Seungho had to stop it.

_Lie._

“I am sorry, I must be pretty drunk.” He said while hastily standing up from the couch they were in, leaving a frowning Jaeduck sitting. “Maybe you need to go home.”

After that night, Seungho avoided Jaeduck and everything that had to do with him. He needed to get away from him and from those feelings, he couldn’t have those feelings.

“You kissed me! Stop pretending it didn’t happen.” Jaeduck yelled at him “You at least owe me an explanation.”

_Lie._

“Nothing happened. We were drunk and lonely and people do stupid things when they are drunk and lonely. You don’t have to worry, it won’t happen again.”

“So that is it? You were drunk? Is there anything behind that kiss?”

Lie.

“No.”

Jaeduck stared at him in disbelief.

“So that is it?” The younger stood up and met Seungho’s gaze. He was afraid of what would happen next. He didn’t want to lose Jaeduck’s friendship and he was too afraid to face the truth. “You know what, hyung? When you were about to enter our division everybody would talk shit about you, and I believed it because I didn’t know any better since I’ve never met you before. I regretted that later on because when I met you I realized that you were different. You were everything. You were secure and not afraid of expressing yourself or speaking up. In my eyes, you were amazing. I was so thankful, hyung, of having met you. I even thought that we could…never mind. If you want me to go I’ll go but if I go I don’t know if I’ll have the heart to come back to you.”

“Wait! Just …wait.”

_Tell the truth._

_If you don’t you will lose him forever._

And then, he felt something he hadn’t felt in a while. He needed to tell the truth. He didn’t want to lose him, not because of this.

But he was afraid, he was afraid that his truth would be rejected by the person he loves. He was afraid of finally taking off the mask and unveiling all his feeling just like that.

_Tell the truth._

He knew Jaeduck would leave if he didn’t, he knew he was hurting Jaeduck by avoiding him and lying to him.

_Tell the truth, Seungho._

Something snapped him out of it and he realized that maybe losing Jaeduck was way scarier than facing the reality.

_Tell the truth._

This time he would.

“You want the truth? I’ll tell you the truth then. Want to know why I kissed you? It wasn’t because I was drunk, that was a lie. I kissed you because you looked breathtaking sitting there with a bottle of soju in your hands and you messy hair and tired eyes. I kissed you because I needed to be closer to you. I kissed you because my days get better every time we hang out. I kissed you because even when we are surrounded by thousands I can only see you. I kissed you because I miss you even when we are next to each other. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you, because I wanted to feel your lips that look so soft and plump against mine. So that is it. That is the truth. That is my truth. Are you happy now?”

Jaeduck only blinked at him, clearly startled by the confession.

“And I am sorry, alright? I am sorry if this is awkward or uncomfortable for you but I couldn’t help it. I really tried, I tried to stop liking you but I just can’t do it.”

His hands began to shake and god he needed a cigarette.

“Hyung, you are so dumb.”

“What?”

“I can’t believe you never noticed. I thought I was being too obvious, but I clearly wasn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

The younger chuckled and kissed Seungho.

“Jaeduck?”

“Hyung, I really like you too. I was afraid sometimes. Afraid that maybe you’ll find out and stop wanting to be near me.”

And Seungho could only laugh at that.

Who could’ve have thought.

They started their relationship from that day, and with truths also came lies. Their love was a truth but they needed lies to hide it. They knew that it was too risky for anyone to find out. So they lied. They lied to their friends, their family and their fans. It was for the better, Seungho thought, that way no one gets hurt, not us and not them.

They tried not to lie too much, they didn’t want it to blow in their faces.

So they kept it to a minimum, they learned how to lie and they were good at it.

Whenever someone asked if they had a girlfriend, they would reply “we are just not looking for a girlfriend at the moment” which was not a complete lie.

Whenever someone questioned them about living together they’d said “it’s nothing weird, we have our own rooms and beds besides there are other people living in the house”, and it was the truth. They did have their own rooms but that was something they came up with to not raise suspicions and they did live with other people but they were always out and busy with their own work that they were barely in the house.

But whenever someone joked about “coming out” or them being a real couple they denied it, it was the only lie that he could say hurt the most.

Nobody else had to know, Seungho thought. It was only our business not theirs. It was our private lives.

However, sometimes lying begins to grow tiring and that’s how Seungho felt after a while. He would never grow tired of his love for Jaeduck but lying began to stress him out and put him on edge.

He needed a distraction to all of that and he found one and it wasn’t good one, he would later learn, but he found one. And he was content for a while, he was distracted and no longer stressed about things.

Not everything is perfect thought, after a while he began to lie to Jaeduck, he’d said “I’m hanging out with some friends, don’t wait up.” Or “I just lend him some money, don’t worry about it” And he knew, he knew that Jaeduck trusted him enough to not question it at all.

And he was sorry, he was sorry that he had to lie but he knew that if he told Jaeduck he would have to stop because nothing is worse than to see Jaeduck sad or disappointed. So he did what he thought it was best.

Then it blew up in his face.

Jaeduck had looked at him with watery eyes and asked “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie? I had to find out from those stupid tabloids, Hyung!”

Seungho couldn’t even look at him in the eyes.

Then everything happened to fast, _“hire a lawyer”_ his manager said.

_Just admit to it, you really have no choice._

_Plead guilty._

_Tell the truth._

And so he did, he was ashamed of himself. Why did he do that, why did he think like that back then and what was he thinking? He found himself asking himself that.

“I know you are feeling bad,” Jaeduck said one day “stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake and now the next step is figuring out how to fix it.”

“I am sorry I lied to you, I just—I never thought this would happen, we—we thought—it was just a stupid game I mean we didn’t think it would come to this.”

“I know.”

“For what is worth I really am sorry, Jaeduck. I’m sorry I lied and did all of this without telling you. I never wanted to disappoint you.”

“I forgive you. I love you, you know? I love you a lot and I hate seeing you like this. You need to pick yourself up, I’ll be here for you. Next to you in every step you take.”

And he was, Jaeduck was next to him when he felt like dying and when he didn’t felt like sleeping or eating or just doing anything.

They both worked on it.

Until Seungho was given green light to go back to his activities.

When he held that mic he felt as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

He was happy and he was not going to jeopardize that again.

He decided to be a better person, artist, mentor, son and partner.

He didn’t want to let other people down again.

So he began to live his life again, an honest life. He worked hard, he called his mom and he keep on being truthful to Jaeduck.

And then everything went to hell again.

He was sloppy, he was a fool for thinking they were not going to be seen.

He asked Jaeduck to go with to the Han River, he wanted some fresh air and the dogs needed to be walked so they went.

It was good and relaxing, he felt at peace. Maybe that’s why he didn’t notice that someone was snapping pictures of them walking the dogs and holding hands and then kissing.

He didn’t notice.

It was dark and it was late, he didn’t think anyone would be there.

But someone was and they took a picture and then uploaded it into the internet and that was it.

They didn’t find out until the next day when Seungho woke up to Jaeduck shaking him awake, his eyes were teary and his hands were shaking.

“They know,” he said “they all know the truth.”

Seungho was about to ask what was going on when he glimpsed at the TV.

They were talking about them, they had photos, evidence.

“Shit.” Seungho cursed.

His manager began to make phone calls and organize a press conference and told Seungho to turn off his phone.

Jaeduck was taken to the YG building to see what they could do for him.

“Jaeduck, “he called the younger before he left. “What do I do?”

“Hyung, just tell the truth. It’ll be alright.” Jaeduck whispered. He kissed him in the cheek and then walked out.

Seungho sighed and kept listening to his manager talk on the phone.

_Tell the truth._

He guesses he will

-

The journalists kept hurriedly typing everything he was saying.

Vultures, he thinks. They only want to be the first ones to get the scoop. They are not interested in his truth or his life, the only thing they ever want is clicks and traffic on their websites.

Suddenly he doesn’t want to be sitting there anymore, he takes a peak at his clock.

Twenty minutes had passed.

He clears his throat to get everyone’s attention.

“And that is the truth— that is my truth. My name is An Seungho and I—I –I love my boyfriend, his name is Kim Jaeduck.” He stands up and once again the room is being flooded by flashes and clicks. “That’s all. Thank you.”

_Good._

_Now, live your truth._

Seungho smiles and walks out.

Living his truth?

Who knows, maybe it’ll work out.

**Author's Note:**

> and so this is it!  
> please leave a comment/kudos if you liked it.  
> any mistakes and mine and mine only.  
> i really enjoyed writing this in tony's pov, maybe one day ill write something in jaeduck's pov.   
> thank you for reading!


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